I’m not prone to depression.
But today, I think I’m getting a small taste of it.
The sorrow has been so thick, I can almost reach out and touch it. Like an unwelcome blanket…smothering me.
I feel like a failure.
A failure as a wife.
A failure as a mom.
A failure as a foster mom.
A failure as a friend.
A failure as a homemaker.
A failure as a homeschooler.
A failure as a writer.
I feel like I’m making a mess of one thing after another. And I feel like the messes can’t be cleaned up.
By too many demands.
And not enough supplies.
By too many needs.
And not enough resources.
By too many voices.
And not enough stillness.
And maybe worst of all, I feel like things will never be right again.
I realize hormones are more than likely to blame for these feelings.
But hormones or not, the feelings are real. Although I can’t see them, taste them, or touch them…I’m experiencing them just the same. I can’t even define them or quantify them…but that doesn’t make them less real.
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee,
when my heart is overwhelmed:
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
So what do I do when my feelings threaten to sweep me away in the power of their deluge?
I’m choosing to remember today that although my feelings are very real,
that doesn’t mean they’re true.
Those feelings that defy the truth of God’s Word…
or question my identity in Christ…
or doubt my God’s complete enough-ness for me…
must be recognized as the imposters they are:
And by His grace, I will choose to refocus my gaze on my God…even though I don’t feel like it.
I will cry out to Him with desperate prayers in a voice so broken only He can understand.
I will reach out to a friend who can offer prayers for me.
I will spend some extra time letting my heart devour the truth found on the pages of God’s Word.
And then I’ll probably crank up the music. Music that is God-centered and full of truth. Music that will compel me to sing along with a cracking voice and wet cheeks until the tears finally dry up and the smile is back on my face.
On a day like today, what a relief it is to let the full weight of my feelings fall upon a God who understands them…
who invites them…
who sees and who cares…
who notices each tear before wiping them from my eyes…
who lifts my head with His gentle hand under my chin, and whose compassionate eyes beckon my gaze to rise to His.
Rarely does order come immediately to my upside-down feelings.
But it does come.
The sun doesn’t shine brighter yet.
But it will soon.
Feelings are fleeting.
Which makes all the more beautiful the Solid Rock that is higher than I.
Written by Jennifer Clarke