Are you ever at a loss for how to discipline? What stance should you take? Too much casual camaraderie with our children can lead to children who are allowed free rein, with little real parental influence, if any. But harsh strictness without grace can alienate our children — from us and from their God — altogether.
What is the proper way to handle this issue that is so critical to godly parenting? Is there a way to point my children to Christ, perhaps even fostering a divine encounter, as I’m disciplining them?
DISCIPLINE EVOLUTION
Parents in past generations often ruled with “an iron fist,” employing such expressions as “Because I said so!” and “Children should be seen and not heard.” In an effort to resist some of these authoritarian tendencies, I believe young, well-meaning parents over the past couple of decades have swung the pendulum too far in the other direction, favoring permissiveness rather than authority.
Many times permissive parents are hampered by our own feelings of inadequacy. We might tell ourselves, “Well, I don’t always tell the complete truth, either, so how can I discipline my child for lying?” Or perhaps, “How can I tell my child they can’t have as much as they want, when I overindulge too often myself?” Ouch…that one struck close to home.
We also avoid taking charge because our children fight so hard for the upper hand, and their will turns out to be stronger than our own. We justify our lack of authority with phrases such as, “I’m going to pick my battles.” I believe there is some wisdom in that principle, but we must carefully assess our motive behind that often-used phrase. If we’re letting go of more battles than we’re fighting, it’s possible that we are allowing our children to be in charge.
DISCIPLINE REVOLUTION
I believe parents must strive for a balance that can be described as loving authority. We are correct to resist the harsh attitude of many parents of past generations. The truth is, parents are not in charge because we are bigger, smarter, stronger, or better than our children.
We are in charge simply because God said so. That’s it. It’s not about me getting my way with my children, or avoiding embarrassment caused by their (mis)behavior, or controlling them for my own benefit and convenience.
That’s why it’s sinful for me to be angry with my children when they disobey, and I’m inconvenienced, irritated, disrespected, or embarrassed as a result. Because it’s not about me. It’s about Him!
And that’s why I can gently, yet confidently, tell my children as they’re challenging my authority: “I’m in charge.” It’s simply because that’s how God designed it to be.
GOD’S PLAN
You see, God is entrusting us with a sacred commission. God wants Christian parents to train His future servants to be submissive to Him!
This is precisely why loving domestic discipline is so important: training our children to submit to our authority is one of God’s primary methods of preparing them to submit to His authority. God expects uncompromising obedience from us; we should expect the same from our children.
Not because we are in any way like God, or because we deserve obedience, or because we always know what’s best. But because it is an act of love for parents to train children to obey the way God will expect them to obey for the rest of their lives.
Obedience to God’s ways yields a harvest of blessing; why would we not want to equip our children to reap that blessing by preparing them to obey Him?
I Samuel 15:22 tells us that in God’s eyes, obedience is better than sacrifice. Acts 13:22 tells us that God chose David as Israel’s king precisely because he knew David would do all that He wanted Him to do.
So many of the Bible’s great heroes exhibited one quality we can all emulate: uncompromising and immediate obedience! These include Abraham, Moses, Deborah, Paul, and of course the ultimate example of a Son obeying His Father, even at great cost to Himself: Jesus Christ.
Let us strive to obey Him, and to lovingly teach our children to do the same.
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How do you exercise loving authority at home? Do you agree that obedience to parents is God’s training ground for obedience to Him? Please take a moment and share by leaving a comment below.
Written by Jennifer Clarke
8/10/12
Great article. Would you mind sharing what your methods of discipline are for your children? Especially at a younger age.
Welcome, Desirae! I’m so glad this post was helpful to you. One of the most effective methods of discipline for my own children is removal of a privilege. The possibilities vary widely depending on the age and personality of the child — I try to choose something that really matters to the misbehaving child. Some ideas are loss of “screen time,” loss of a favorite toy, loss of snack privileges, and going to bed early. As often as possible, I try to make the discipline appropriate to the misbehavior. For example, if a child misbehaves while we’re running errands, we don’t get to eat lunch out like we planned. Loss of a privilege is the most common method I use for training children for proper behavior.
There are times, however, when the child’s wrongdoing goes beyond simple childish misbehavior and reaches the level of defiance. At those times I will use corporal punishment. This starts with a smack on the hand when my toddlers reach for things they’ve been told not to touch, and extends to spankings for preschoolers to mid-elementary-aged children. But I never spank my child without first having a calm conversation getting to the root of their rebellion. If I can’t have this conversation calmly, I’m not in the right frame of mind to administer discipline, so I wait until I cool off. After we talk about the heart issues at play, I also make sure I let the child know ahead of time how many spankings she will receive, so she is aware I’m thoughtfully and intentionally administering discipline, and that my actions aren’t random or haphazard. We spend time in prayer together, and always end the discipline session with lots of love and affirmation.
I often recall the Proverb which says “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (13:24). I know spanking is not something every family will feel comfortable with; it’s without a doubt my own least favorite aspect of parenting. In fact, if I’m not sad when I’m spanking my child, that’s another sign that I shouldn’t be doing it in that moment. But my husband and I have made the decision that this is how God wants us to handle our family. We have seen the fruit of it as we have developed loving relationships with our children, who are far from perfect, but who are growing in their submission to authority (ours and God’s) and to doing what is right. If you’re interested in more information on this topic, I recommend the books Dare to Discipline by James Dobson and Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp.
Thanks so much for reading and for posing this thoughtful question, Desirae!
Thank you so much for the indepth response. Very helpful! I actually plan on picking up Sheparding a Child’s Heart this weekend.
You’re very welcome, Desirae! Please let me know what you think about the book! 🙂
This was a great article. I really needed to hear this. I am raising three teenagers. My oldest is very strong willed and constantly challenges my authority.
Hello, Shana, and welcome! Thank you for reading, and for taking the time to say hello. I haven’t yet entered teenage territory with my children, but I’m glad to hear that these principles still ring true for you. I just prayed for you as you guide them in God’s truth, and I asked God to grant them receptive hearts. A strong will isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it’s a common trait in the world’s best leaders! But our children do need to submit their wills to God and to any other authority He places in their lives. I’m praying that for your children!